


Standing on Rubble

by howevernot



Series: eternity is also full of eyes [2]
Category: Dark (TV 2017)
Genre: (I did not know that was a tag), Canon Disabled Character, Found Family, Gen, M/M, Mild Ableism, POV Claudia Tiedemann, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Post-Apocalypse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Puberty, Women Being Awesome, is it a dark fic written by howevernot without a panic attack?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-08
Updated: 2020-10-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:40:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26889028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howevernot/pseuds/howevernot
Summary: Concerned that Elisabeth is growing up without a woman's guidance, Claudia takes it on herself to provide said guidance. It goes well, until it doesn't.A sequel of sorts to "Breathing in the Dark."
Relationships: Elisabeth Doppler & Claudia Tiedemann, Jonas Kahnwald/Noah | Hanno Tauber
Series: eternity is also full of eyes [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1961791
Comments: 13
Kudos: 40





	Standing on Rubble

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, yes I am back. The idea of Elisabeth having to go through puberty in the apocalypse clobbered me over the head and I had to write about it, but the fic kind got away from me. That being said, a good part of this was written while I was sick and I'm not totally happy with it but I'm also not gonna put in anymore work.
> 
> If you are looking for a more detailed trigger warning please refer to the end notes.

“Jonas,” Claudia greeted when he opened the door upon her knocking. 

He stared at her for a moment, nonplused, holding a handgun loosely in one hand. She had never shown up at the hut unprompted before; all of their contact outside of research was minimal. Keeping her distance spared her his suspicion and gave her time to travel uninhibited. 

“Claudia,” he said eventually, “What are you doing here?” 

He did not step out of the doorway to invite her in, which in another lifetime Claudia would have found horribly offensive. 

“I would like to talk to Elisabeth.”

His eyes narrowed but he stepped aside, “Come in.”

The hut was clean and spare with minimal decoration. The curtain they had around the bed was plain, off white from too many washes. The floor was packed dirt with tile around the stove. There were no carpets. They all kept their shoes on inside. But there was one wall covered in little hand-drawn pictures of deer, photos of Elisabeth’s family, pages torn from books.

At the table, Noah and Elisabeth sat eating dinner. 

“Sorry to interrupt your meal,” Claudia offered because she would never quite shake the day to day niceties of human life.

Jonas shrugged and remained standing watching her. Noah and Elisabeth had stopped eating and were watching her.

“Elisabeth,” she signed clumsily. She knew a little bit of sign language, but not much.

“It’s good to see you,” she offered.

“Nice that you’re here,” Elisabeth offered with a polite smile.

“I wanted to talk to you,” she explained in signs. To Jonas she said, “Do you have some paper? A pencil?”

Jonas turned without a word, tucking his gun into his pants, and returned a moment later with both. Noah gestured to the only open chair which Claudia took after casting a glace at Jonas, who seemed determined to remain on his feet watching her like buzzard. 

In notes, she and Elisabeth exchanged some basic pleasantries, before Claudia got to the point she really wanted to make. 

_Elisabeth, now that you’re older I thought you might want to spend some time with a woman. I wonder if it is hard for you to be growing up with these men._

_What do you mean?_

_I remember how important it was for me to have a mother at your age, to help me with the things I was going through. I was wondering if I could do that for you._

_You’re not my mother._

_I’m not trying to be. I just want to help you understand what you’re going through._

At that, Elisabeth glanced up at Noah and Jonas. Noah had gone back to eating, still watching them, and Jonas had opened the curtain, and taken a seat on the bed.

_They’re not hurting me. I am happy with them._

_I know. Think of it as a vacation or visiting an aunt._

_I learned about being a woman in school._

Which she had stopped at only ten, if Claudia remembered correctly.

 _Think about it. I’ll come back in a few days._

With that she slid the paper across the scared wood to Elisabeth and took her leave. The hut remained eerily silent in her wake, but that was them, wasn’t it? Silent and unreadable at the best of times.

~~~~~

Claudia was certain Eva would be livid at her for even offering something like this. Yet, she could not resist. Elisabeth was growing up in that little house with only boys around. Claudia was certain they would never hurt her, never take advantage. For all the horrible things both men did in the future, they were both shockingly gentle with Elisabeth. But Claudia wanted to help Elisabeth. Each time she saw the girl, she thought of her own daughter, all the time she spent raising herself, all the guidance Claudia failed to give.

Three months after the impromptu visit to the hut, Elisabeth came to her, at the bunker, pen and paper in hand.

 _What can you teach me?_ She asked, no pleasantries exchanged. 

_I can teach you have to sew pads, clean them, make willow tea, teach you the things your mother would have._

_My mother did teach me those things._

_She taught you how to sew a pad?_

Elisabeth shook her head. 

_I’ve had my period for a year already._

_How have you been managing?_

Elisabeth sucked her upper lip into her mouth briefly and wrote,

_We’ve been scavenging supplies. But we haven’t been able to find more for a few months. I’m running out._

_I can teach you how to make more, so you can stop scavenging and worrying about it._

Elisabeth nodded. 

_I’m not staying here._

_Ok._

In retrospect, it had been presumptuous of her to tell Elisabeth that she would stay with Claudia. 

_Show me,_ Elisabeth wrote, and then made a gesture Claudia didn’t understand.

_I don’t have the supplies right now. We’ll have to go find them._

Elisabeth rolled her eyes, looking for all the world like Regina as a teenager, but nodded.

Claudia escorted her to the door, planning on waving goodbye, only to see Noah and Jonas waiting a few meters away, leaning close, rifles strapped to their backs.

~~~~~

It was another week before they headed out to scavenge supplies.

The first stop was a local craft store, long abandon. As they picked through the piles of discarded products on the floor, Claudia reflected how lucky they both were that she had learned how to sew her own reusable pads in the 70s. Not that she used them much, but there had been a craze and in the spirit of environmental consciousness she had learned. She had never taught her own daughter the skill.

They found some cloth, but nothing suitably well preserved. But they did find a few packages of buttons. Elisabeth lifted the little plastic containers into the air triumphantly. They took all the buttons they could fit into their packs.

Next, they hiked out to a warehouse, a little outside Widen in the industrial district. It was full of clothes ready for distribution. Claudia had found it early on, a month or so after Regina died. She had spent days sleeping in the piles of clothes, only going out to trap rabbits and scrounge for cans. 

Much of the place had been picked clean since Claudia last lived there but there was enough to make the trip work it. 

The picked through sagging boxes and plastic bags and endless packaging. Some boxes were full of insects, making Elisabeth jump back at each one they opened. Other’s were clear of insects but had been clearly chewed on by some local creature.

Elisabeth held up things she found every few minutes which Claudia would inspect. Too stretchy, too rough, too much polyester. Finally, they collected a handful of cotton and linen shirts that were mostly unnibbled upon. Elisabeth had also picked out a pair of pants that were clearly too big for her and a coat that completely dwarfed her. Claudia was about to write out a note asking what she was doing exactly when she heard a rattling across the enormous room.

She waved Elisabeth behind her, suddenly acutely aware that the girl she had with her was deaf. She would never know if someone was sneaking up on them, she could not shout if she was in trouble. Claudia felt suddenly enormously protective. 

Claudia carefully walked them towards the exit, gun held at low-ready, straining to hear anything else.  
Finally, their company came into view. It was a boar.

“Shit,” Claudia hissed and raised her rifle, gesturing for Elisabeth to do the same. 

The boar was an enormous muscled thing, nosing at a box spilling pink dresses onto the floor. Its tusks were barely visible through the fur but Claudia still felt a visceral fear at the creature. The Greeks used to make helmets from those tusks, as a testament to a hunter’s strength. Claudia would feel grateful if she got away at all.

She hoped to god that Elisabeth would not open fire. How did Jonas and Noah do this? 

Claudia backed towards the exit, gun up, hoping that Elisabeth would just follow her lead. 

She did and they backed away from the boar, who never noticed them. A moment later, they were out of the building and running like hell.

~~~~~

Elisabeth stayed for dinner after that. They did not get any sewing done at all. Instead, they gut, clean, cook, and eat a rabbit to celebrate their survival.

They passed notes back and forth over dinner.

 _Noah and Jonas are together._ Elisabeth hesitated before she wrote it.

Claudia underlined ‘together’ and drew a question mark to it. Her hand was starting to cramp from so much writing.

_They’re dating._

Claudia just blinked at the page for a moment. This was not part of the plan. Jonas was supposed to end up alone, Elisabeth and Noah were supposed to end up together. They had a child together. This was not the plan.

 _They must be frustrating to live with,_ was what Claudia wrote instead.

Elisabeth shrugged. She tilted her head to the side as she wrote.

_I don’t know how I feel about it._

Claudia just put another question mark. Elisabeth flipped the page.

_They’re like my parents. But they aren’t. And Jonas isn’t well. I worry about him; I worry that Noah is with him to make sure he doesn’t kill himself._

Claudia did not say that he could not kill himself. Claudia herself had tried.

 _I don’t understand why they’re together,_ she finished.

_Have you asked them?_

She shook her head.

_When you go home tomorrow, ask them._

Elisabeth shrugged, looking uncomfortable.

She spent the night in a sleeping bag on the cold floor, without complaint. 

Early the next morning, Claudia walked her through the measurements and the stitching of a handmade pad. Lucky for both of them Noah had already taught her stitching. Her first attempt did not come out well, but Claudia’s did. She handed her that one and fixed the stitching on the first.

They got through three, each, before Elisabeth complained of sore hands and tired eyes.

“Go home,” Claudia signed, “I’ll come see you.”

Something about the expression must have been wrong because Elisabeth laughed at her, but didn’t elaborate.

~~~~~

Claudia started watching Jonas more carefully when they worked on the god-particle together.

He seemed shakier somehow, less tethered than usual. He often lost track of his sentences in the middle of saying something. He reminded Claudia of her grandpa sometimes, or of Helge’s mom. He wasn’t morally uptight, but he was physically wound tight. 

She insisted Regina take up violin once, payed for her lessons and drove her there. After a few weeks the teacher tutor reported that Regina had sat in class and tightened the string until it snapped, all while maintaining eye contact. Jonas was that string, she imagined. Wavering under so much strain, about to snap.

She did not know how to mention it to him, if she should even mention it all, but she did ask Elisabeth about it.

 _He’s traumatized,_ was her succinct answer.

_He wasn’t this bad before._

_Dad always said it comes and goes. You didn’t see him before, was in the hospital for a while._

_You don’t think it’s Noah?_

Elisabeth shook her head; she was frowning and the line on her forehead was slightly off center. It was charming.

_Noah helps. They think I don’t know, but Jonas tried to kill himself, a couple times. Noah helps. _

Elisabeth’s hand writing was so typical. The neat curling letters of a German school girl. That handwriting should be for essays and passing notes in class, not this.

_Ok, you know better than I do._

_He needs time._

Claudia suppressed a sigh at that. Time would only harden Jonas into worse man, a man who did not shake when he shot his friends and loves. Claudia felt terribly tired. Simply exhausted, sick with grief for things that had already happened and yet were still to happen, someday. 

Elisabeth left after that, with six new pads with buttons carefully sewn in by Claudia’s own hand.

~~~~~

Noah and Jonas showed up together to their next god-particle experiment. Jonas was thin and haggard next to Noah, who was hale and pink in comparison.

They worked through the afternoon. Claudia had orders to stall their progress but she genuinely did not know how to get the god-particle to behave. They were stymied at every turn – running out of fuel, machinery breaking down – all of it producing genuine and intense frustration. 

Some days Claudia wondered if she should just leave Jonas to his own devices, fighting to get this thing to work and just watch the fallout at a distance. But she couldn’t she needed Regina to live, to have a chance at living. 

When the electricity fizzled out, she turned to offer Jonas a tight grimace. She found him clinging to the edge of a table, head down. She threw an alarmed look to Noah; his eyes were still stuck on the god-particle. 

She waved at him. He needed to Jonas, she stood across the room with a stretch of rumble between them.

Noah laid a gloved hand on Jonas’s covered shoulder. 

Jonas snapped up and shook Noah off. He took off at a jog out of the room, leaving the two of them standing on wreckage, staring after him. 

“Go to him. I’ll finish here,” she told him. Noah sent her a slight nod and hurried off.

She took some hurried notes, examined the bit of machinery that had sparked, and set everything to rights again, as much as she could.

When she got outside, Jonas and Noah were half stripped from their protective gear. Jonas sat on the ground, head between his knees. Noah knelt over him, a hand on his back. 

“Is he ok?” she asked at length.

“I’m fine,” Jonas gritted out. 

“Help me up,” he told Noah, and Noah did without hesitation. Once on his feet, Jonas began to tip over. Noah grabbed him around the waist to steady him. They stood like that for a moment, Noah with a hand on Jonas’s hip, his other hand twined with Jonas’s as Jonas fought to stay on his feet.

“Did you eat anything?” Noah didn’t even try to whisper. Maybe he’d forgotten how living with Elisabeth.

Jonas shook his head. Noah made a disgusted noise in the back of his throat. 

“Can you clean the suits today?” Noah asked, “I need to take him home.”

Claudia just nodded, watching the scene unfold. Jonas lent against the wall, eyes closed, chest still heaving as Noah stripped from his own suit. She didn’t know if he was having a panic attack, or just had low blood sugar or both but the display was frightening. This was not the man she knew, nor was it the man Eva painted for her. This was a young man on the verge of breakdown. He was that violin string but maybe he was not going to snap into Adam, maybe Noah was really helping him not fall to bits. 

“I’m not taking that off for you,” Noah told him. Slowly Jonas began to strip from his yellow hazard suit. Somehow the words comforted Claudia. At least, Jonas wasn’t getting coddled and babied through this. Noah, despite all his later sycophantic behavior, seemed to have a decent head on his shoulders. 

“Elisabeth is going to be so angry at you,” Noah said as he took the suit from Jonas and slung it over some rubble, next to his own. “She got your favorite bread and you don’t even bother to eat it.”

The tirade continued as Noah began to walk away, with Jonas trailing behind.

~~~~~

On her way to check her traps on afternoon, she heard a squeal and slash from the lake. She crouched behind a bush, ready to put up her rifle. As she peeked around the bush, she saw a flash of blond hair in the murky water. Jonas emerged, laughing. Noah surfaced behind him, only to grab his waist and pull him under. Jonas cried out but when he broke the water again he was smiling.

Watching Noah and Jonas tussle in the water brought back the sense memory of her young body moving together with Tronte’s in the water. She used to pretend they were dancing when they swam together; it was the only time in their whole lives they got to dance.

She watched them for a few more moments. It was a rare warm day, no clouds in sight. The water was probably terribly dangerous. There had been reports early on about acid rain and algae blooms and any number of problems with the rain. The two of them seemed unburdened by such concerns.  
As they tussled, Claudia set off again, trying to pass unnoticed. 

There was more splashing and shouting. She smiled at their enthusiasm. After three traps but only one rabbit, she turned back to look out on the lake. Noah and Jonas were there, up to their chests, bent close together. She couldn’t tell from that distance if they were kissing or simply clinging close. She had done both, in these waters. 

As she watched, Jonas pulled away, gestured to Noah. Noah laid back in the water. Jonas held him up, gently moving him through the water. Claudia’s mother had taught her how to float like that. _Let the water cradle you,_ her mother had said. 

She averted her eyes as she headed back along the same path, thinking of her next meeting with Eva. Just as she was about to turn from the water, she heard a shout. She turned to find Noah waving at her from the water. She walked to the shore, feeling supremely awkward as she faced the two young men who she knew well were naked under the water.

“Come to dinner tonight,” Jonas said, “We’ll have deer.”

A denial was on the tip of her tongue. She had fresh rabbit to cook that night, she had plans to lay, she had anything else to do. 

“Sure. What time?” she asked instead.

As she and Jonas worked out the details Noah looked up at Jonas, from where he must have been kneeling in the water, with a tender expression that was painful to witness. There was a brilliant purple mark on Noah’s throat. Noah’s throat on the other hand looked even worse when clean. In fact, Jonas was frightening to look on without his clothes. His ribs were clearly visible, his torso was badly scared. She left quickly after that.

~~~~~

“Claudia, thank you for coming,” Noah said when he answered the door that evening.

Inside the hut was lit with candles and lanterns. To her surprise, Jonas was bent over the stove, stirring something. Elisabeth sat at the table already, reading a book. 

She handed them a bottle of wine she traded for a few years ago. She did not know if it was still good, but they would forgive her if the wine had already turned to vinegar.

Noah took it with a laugh and called to Jonas, who strode over to examine the label.

“Thank you, Claudia,” he said with a little smile. 

“Go ahead and take a seat,” Noah offered. 

“Where can I put my things,” she asked, unsure where she could stow her rifle or her coat, which despite the day’s warmth, she would need for the walk home that night.

“The gun rack is over there,” Noah gestured. She wondered for a moment if they made that rack themselves. 

She ended up tossing her coat on the back of a fourth chair that they had sourced from somewhere since her last visit.

There were a few moments of silence as Jonas stayed bent over the stove and Noah began pulling out plates and utensils. Elisabeth gave her a quick smile but kept on reading. If Claudia had ever taken a moment to imagine what the life these three led, she would never have imagined it could be so normal, so domestic. 

Noah set the table with mismatched porcelain plates. Meanwhile, Jonas dished out rice and deer stew and handed the bowls off to Elisabeth. His hands were steady and he flashed a smile to Elisabeth as their hands touched. Noah and Elisabeth flashed something at each other in signs too complicated for her to follow. Noah brushed a hand low on Jonas’s back as he passed by and Jonas hummed in response. 

Claudia had to swallow around the lump in her throat. When was the last time she had been so close to a family like this? Not since she was a child, certainly. 

“I knew your sister,” Claudia blurted out to Noah halfway through dinner. There was something about him, about his manner, about the tilt of his head maybe, or the slow smile that slid across his face sometimes, that reminded her vividly of Agnes.

Noah raised his eyebrows at her, but made no comment.

“My mother really loved her – ” she offered, unable to say more.

Elisabeth looked at them expectantly. Jonas translated.

“Wait, your sister and her mother?” Jonas asked, and Claudia could not tell if it was Elisabeth’s question of his own. Noah remained silent.

“Yes, when I was a girl. My mother was a miserable little housewife. After Agnes disappeared, she divorced my father. She was never really happy again though. I don’t think she ever recovered from Agnes,” Claudia said into the silence, watching Jonas’s hands as he translated.

“Wait, do you know what happened to her?” she asked, the idea suddenly occurring to her.

Noah shook his head. 

“No,” he croaked out, “I never knew where she went. Off to do her duty.”

“Sorry,” Claudia offered; somehow, she never considered that maybe Noah lost his sister too.

“We were kept apart. We had different roles to fill, different things to learn,” Noah explained, expression faintly pained. Claudia ached for him, for the controlled childhood, for the repressed emotions, for the lost life which he would never be able to live out if she brought this all down.

She ached for all of them. Claudia had lost everything, her father, her daughter, her life, but these three still had lives and families when everything was taken from them.

Elisabeth signed something to Noah. 

“She said, she’s sure Agnes loved him. She and Franziska weren’t always happy, but they always loved each other,” Jonas translated for Claudia. Claudia’s eyes met Elisabeth’s over the table and Claudia tried to smile at her.

~~~~~

The conversation started innocently enough.

 _Do you know how to cut hair?_ Elisabeth had asked in the middle of Claudia’s cautions about using too much willow bark.

_No._

_Who cuts your hair?_

_I do. I just cut off a few centimeters every few months._

_Noah only knows how to cut his own hair. He cuts mine and he cuts Jonas’s but he’s not good at it._

Claudia laughed. 

_He used to cut Agnes’s hair. Did you know?_

A chill crawled down Claudia’s back.

_No, I didn’t know._

_He’s been having nightmares about her ever since you talked about her at dinner._

Claudia just stared at her, unsure what to say. Elisabeth’s face was tight, her eyes bright, but she did not look young and fragile. She looked cold; she looked at Claudia and Claudia could feel the girl’s anger like another person in the room. She sat up straighter, and met Elisabeth’s gaze straight on.

_I know your daughter died. I know you want to rescue the world. But you won’t do it by making me your daughter. I’m not your daughter. Noah isn’t your mom’s lover. You cannot claw back the past. You and Noah and Jonas might be travelers, but traveling has given you nothing but misery, I can see that._

Claudia was floored; she did not even know that Elisabeth knew so much about the world they were living in. That had clearly been her mistake. 

_You are not my daughter, but perhaps we can be friends?_ Claudia wrote back, not ready to address the rest.

Elisabeth gave her a beatific smile and wrote, _No._

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for: there's a panic attack, Claudia has some unexamined ableist ideas but it's not the focus, there's talk about menstruation!
> 
> That being said, thank you everyone for the overwhelmingly positive response to Breathing in the Dark. Thank you if you've come back to read more of this verse. I have a third fic already in the works for this series. It's currently in the revision stages but with grad school applications opening up this month I don't know when I'll have the time to finish it up.
> 
> Comments and kudos absolutely fuel my writing. Also, feel free to come yell at me over on [my tumblr!](https://howevernot.tumblr.com/)


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